The Pour: A dining table full of flowers

THE POUR | Issue 22 | May 2024

“Sometimes the alignment you’re hoping for happens when you finally surrender to the timeline you’re in, instead of trying to force where you think you’re meant to be into existence.”

-Billy Chapata

It’s March 7th and I’m in line at the tiny grocer on my street. The one with a whole refrigerated back room full of flowers. I find the ones I’m looking for, they have to be purple because that was her favourite colour.

I’m standing at the cash and the woman in front of me has her own selection of flowers, a type of lily, she tells me. She looks at mine and says "oh they’re just so beautiful dear, I love the colour." We discuss whether the colour is lavender and then we decide it’s more of a lilac. “Are they for yourself?" she asks.

I hesitate, toying with the idea of brightly saying “yes” and not getting into it. But I tell her, "my partner's mother passed away on the 7th so on the 7th of every month, I buy purple flowers and light a candle for her. Technically, these are for her, and for us."

She offers a kind word, a sympathetic cluck.

I don’t tell her that that day it had only been one month since her passing, that this was the inaugural monthly flower purchase and she was bearing witness to a ritual just begun.

This is my third month of buying purple flowers on the 7th. I think back to the version of me in that shop in March, how deeply in it she was, how far away joy felt for her, how weighed down she was by tasks that felt insurmountable. It all felt impossibly hard and sad.

And today when I buy the flowers, my partner’s deep grief is still there, that will never change. But the seemingly insurmountable tasks are mostly behind us, and there has been joy and celebration, and the trees are in bloom, and the sun is warm and bright and it sets after 7pm, and today happens to be my own mother’s birthday, a joyful thing. Which is to say that life has continued to show us its range of experiences beyond the hard and the sad.

The other day I was on a walk in the trails near our home and I abruptly stopped and stumbled, flinching and narrowly missing what I thought was a low hanging tree branch that was directly in my path and coming for my neck. As it turns out, it was not a tree branch, it was a shadow 😅. I was looking so closely at the ground in front me that my senses were tricked and I wasn’t able to put together a full and accurate picture of my surroundings.

Sometimes, in trail walks and in life, this is necessary for survival. Focus on the next immediate step, one foot in front of another, don’t look up. And sometimes, we can afford to zoom out a bit, to take in a wider lens and make sense of things.

I think that I am just now starting to look up and zoom out. To take stock of life outside of what’s immediately in front of me, to understand the timing of it all.

I’ve spilled a lot of ink in these newsletters on the subject of timing, on feeling behind, on longing for what is yet to be and trying to find peace in what is. I’ve gone through phases of accepting where things are and phases where I’ve felt an intense need to control the outcome. I’m usually somewhere in between. I’ve shared that life has dealt me and Mr. Glass Full some challenging cards in the last few years. Painful family dynamics, job loss, career change, caring for my mother in law during her illness and caring for each other through the aftermath of her sudden passing.

Last month, we finally took the vacation we had planned and cancelled in both December and February. It was meant to be a low pressure time to just relax and recover in Jamaica. It’s the land of my paternal lineage; a place that holds fond memories and meaning for us. I went into the trip wanting two things: to see the full moon and to watch a magical sunset. On our second day we decided to take a 3 hour road trip to the cliffs of Negril to watch the sunset. Located on the western coast, it’s one of my favourite parts of the island and has the most breathtaking blue waters and stunning sunsets. When we arrived at a bucketlist spot for dinner, Mr. Glass Full pulled off the most special surprise. Under a private tiki hut overlooking the water and facing the setting sun, my love asked me to marry him. And wholeheartedly, resolutely, ardently - I said yes. Actually I think I said “holy shit”, but that’s neither here nor there.

This year marks nine years together and we have been to some depths. I can see now that this timing for us is exactly as it was meant to be. At the risk of sounding “everything happens for a reason-y”, I do think we were meant to walk through all that we have together. In the aftermath of all this life stuff, we needed a “big” joy to hold onto and soak up. We needed to reconnect with the parts of us that hope and dream and look ahead with optimism. You may remember that my word of the year is ‘delight’, and this magical memory, this sunset, this promise was exactly that.

Three months ago, we had a dining table full of sympathy cards and flowers from people who love us. Today, we have a dining table full of celebration cards and flowers from these same people. It isn’t lost on me how powerful this is, how lucky we are.

Sympathy

Celebration

There is still grief, but now it’s nestled in alongside some big joy, too. They co-exist. Today when I buy the purple flowers, I carry the versions of me that I’ve been in the months since, equipped with the knowledge that things don’t stay really hard forever, that joy is possible again, that you are always right on time.

The Last Sip

Where I leave you with a roundup of funny, inspiring, beautiful, wholesome or weird things I’ve seen on the internet, affirmations, journal prompts, and other whimsy.

I love this woman on Instagram and apparently so does everyone in her comment section. She is so lovely, confident, real, and wholesome.
My engagement ring (!!!!!!!) has its own special story for another time, but sharing here the company Young In the Mountains that designed the ring crown. I’ve been obsessed with them for years (they’ve been on my vision board since 2018) and it feels like a dream to look down at my hand and see one of their pieces.
I haven’t been sharing much about the business side of things lately, but life is full. Coming up I have a handful of weddings that I am officiating, a baby welcoming, and some other exciting milestone markings. If you or someone you know has a moment in life that deserves to be met with honour, intention and ritual, let’s talk!
If you’ve been as squirrel-y as me lately and need some extra accountability, I recommend Steph’s Productivity Parties. Here’s a free pass for your first one. Her co-working sessions are such a nice tool for solopreneurs or anyone who wants to work in virtual community.

With love,
Julia